I Want To Love You

I want to love you.
Feel my body unfold like lace dragged over skin.
Allow my heart to awaken through the spider web of scars.

But will it last?

Should we not rather ignore the softness of lace, and seek instead the quick and sleek hardness of latex?

We can stop before the full awakening takes place, stay cocooned in sweat and desire. Swim in a different kind of awakening. One where we know the time will end, before the pain and disappointments… and latex starts to strangle.

It is a sweet thing, to touch another’s soul but briefly, to hold forever the memory of touch and laughter. To encase their essence in your own, to learn and grow just a little more from the melding.

But what if we go further? 

What if we peel away our skin and expose the bottomless maelstrom that is within us both? What if we forget the past that taught us how to guard, the pain that made us foolishly believe that love is anything but glorious.

What if we breathe into each other the totality of our selves?
But this time we do it in the anticipation of wonder, and not fear.

I have danced with desire, it has offered its fulfilment.
But it is a surface reprieve, and in that temporary relief I have managed to quiet the yearning. The joys of latex-loving and all it brings can be addictive, as well as self-delusional. 

It offers a glimpse of true feeling; inflamed emotions and delicious excitement.
But we are more than brief moments of ecstasy, we are barely contained vessels of immensity, seeking to reveal and expand. 

We are visions of purity, fathomless depths; joy that hurts to feel and pain that keeps us breathing. We are constantly transforming what it is to be human, how we can share that expression of energy.

The restriction of solitary desire has tired me; bindings I once found attractive are now simply chains. Heavy with repetition and small-mindedness. I am seeking to bring it out of the comfort of my dreams; where my skin can feel its caress, my heart must beat and my mind cannot escape.

Because this is my fear: that if I leave the safety and joys of beginnings, the middle won’t taste as sweet. That when our dance comes to an end my dreams will be drained of colour. It frightens me.

But what frightens me more is to stay forever in the dream.